Healing Begins with Forgiveness

I was uphappy about every. single. thing. when I was a teen and young adult. Blame game was strong in me — it was my super power. Not impressive, right?

I was not okay; no one else was either.

In my early twenties I stopped talking to one of my closest friends for months, and today I can’t tell you why, what she did to offend me. I remember how ‘in control’ I felt. She wanted to make peace. I did not.

I’m ashamed to admit that truth. Are you judging me now? I would have been years ago. Maybe I still would. But I see it. I see these flaws that I need to work through to become the human I want to be.

I am thankful that I’m more kind and loving now. I consider other people’s feelings. But I still judge more than I should.

I’m enduring hard lifestuff and all the demons are out. They are taunting me. They are showing me who I was and how much I need to change. Still.

Love and kindness are high on the list too. But forgiveness? We can’t be kind or loving without it.

Forgiveness is the only way to move forward.

I think that’s the phase I’ve been in for the last decade and a half. I’ve been forgiving myself, and I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve been letting go of all the hate I harbored, all of my character flaws, all of my not-enough-ness.

Hate didn’t let me love, at least not in the way that love is possible.

But now that deep sadness has settled into my bones for the last year, I’m recognizing that I’m only half healed. Forgiving others is the next step.

I thought I did that. I was wrong. I’m holding on to past hurt. I’m blaming others for my pain and shame. And I’m feeling the same in return. It doesn’t feel good.

All the ways I was ‘wronged’ don’t ultimately matter. I don’t want the people I’ve wronged to stay in that hurt.

None of us are perfect. We are all doing the best we can. The earth doesn’t revolve around any of us, though sometimes we act like it does. That’s not just me, right?

I can choose to be kind. I can choose to be loving. But first I have to choose to forgive. It’s the only way I can fully step into the first two.

Unconditional love does not exist between humans, but messy divine love does. It’s everything. It’s all we are here to do.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this essay, please tap the clappy hands (as many times as you’d like) so others can find me too!

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